Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
