Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
