I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
BRING THE BAGELS
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
