best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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