How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
