So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
