No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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