i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
