Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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