Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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