It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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