My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
