why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
