I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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