just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
