Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
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i came on her dog
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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