and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
well you can't waste a boner
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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