Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
