just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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