Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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