They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm getting married
To pizza
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
