I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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