I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
