D3 body, D1 cock
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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