woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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