Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Jerry, you need to find god
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
