Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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