Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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