Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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