I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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