my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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