yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
