I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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