Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So much rum. So many feels.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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