nut hugger
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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