Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
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the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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