You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
