Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
