do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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