It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
