Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
