I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
