I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
