I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
