Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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