I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
