Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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