a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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