I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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