You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
