I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
