I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
