Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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