i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
