Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
