When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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