i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
