i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
