New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
